Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Am I to take whatever comes my way, because I said "I do"?
My two boys talked to me the other night asking me to forgive their father and to rebuild this family once more. I know that children tends to idolize their parents. To them their parents are super beings. But now that they are grown ups and had started to observe things, they also start to figure out that their parents don't know everything. Nor they can fix all problems, and yes, they also make mistakes!
I just wished that I didn't dash my boys dream that would cause them to move me from the pedestal to the underworld of monster. But this is reality, this is how they learn. They ought to know that they are responsible for their lives and that the world don't revolve around mom and dad.
I love my sons more than anything, but I don't think I could make that kind of sacrifice for even them, because I don't think it would really benefit them. I would hope they would come to understand that I would be much happier and therefore a better mom to them if I am happy - even if it meant being separated.
This is very hard for me, as the one thing that keep me trapped in a loveless marriage is my concern for the well-being of my boys. Because children are involved, separation becomes a lot more complicated.
As a mother, all I want is for my sons to have a place they can retreat to at the end of the day. A place that is safe, unconditionally loving, filled with laughter and characterized by integrity and truth. That one place they can come to for love and acceptance is a home, but that won't be possible in a household where their mom and dad is disrespectful of each other.
I would have much rather give them two parents that were happy separately then two parents unhappy together. I feel like I will be wasting part of my life staying married when it wasn't necessary and I know I can't get them back anymore.
I know that they may not get it now but, one day, when the light bulb comes on and the compassion kicks in I hope they would realize that I did the best I could with what I had. Staying unhappily married because society put a stigma to it is not the way to go.
I love my kids but I know that no matter what I choose to do, the choice is not going to make or break the future of my children. What will decide their fate is the extent to which me and their dad maintain a close, loving, supportive relationship with them. It's one thing to separate from my husband. It's another to separate from the kids.
I fervently hope that separation will not be an end of their innocence especially for kids who lived with feuding, unhappy parents - it's the beginning of their peace.
Or am I wrong?