Tuesday, June 2, 2009

My dilemma.


Am I to take whatever comes my way, because I said "I do"?

My two boys talked to me the other night asking me to forgive their father and to rebuild this family once more. I know that children tends to idolize their parents. To them their parents are super beings. But now that they are grown ups and had started to observe things, they also start to figure out that their parents don't know everything. Nor they can fix all problems, and yes, they also make mistakes!

I just wished that I didn't dash my boys dream that would cause them to move me from the pedestal to the underworld of monster. But this is reality, this is how they learn. They ought to know that they are responsible for their lives and that the world don't revolve around mom and dad.

I love my sons more than anything, but I don't think I could make that kind of sacrifice for even them, because I don't think it would really benefit them. I would hope they would come to understand that I would be much happier and therefore a better mom to them if I am happy - even if it meant being separated.

This is very hard for me, as the one thing that keep me trapped in a loveless marriage is my concern for the well-being of my boys. Because children are involved, separation becomes a lot more complicated.

As a mother, all I want is for my sons to have a place they can retreat to at the end of the day. A place that is safe, unconditionally loving, filled with laughter and characterized by integrity and truth. That one place they can come to for love and acceptance is a home, but that won't be possible in a household where their mom and dad is disrespectful of each other.

I would have much rather give them two parents that were happy separately then two parents unhappy together. I feel like I will be wasting part of my life staying married when it wasn't necessary and I know I can't get them back anymore.

I know that they may not get it now but, one day, when the light bulb comes on and the compassion kicks in I hope they would realize that I did the best I could with what I had. Staying unhappily married because society put a stigma to it is not the way to go.

I love my kids but I know that no matter what I choose to do, the choice is not going to make or break the future of my children. What will decide their fate is the extent to which me and their dad maintain a close, loving, supportive relationship with them. It's one thing to separate from my husband. It's another to separate from the kids.

I fervently hope that separation will not be an end of their innocence especially for kids who lived with feuding, unhappy parents - it's the beginning of their peace.

Or am I wrong?

17 comments:

amna said...

dette, you did the right thing. if you remember i mentioned that your plight was one of my inspiration to end up a relationship that has been long dead. I was reading your blog about leaving your home, at that time i was not separated yet, i was holding on coz of this so called social status.
A relationship is like a mirror, once it's broken, it won't be the same anymore you can't put back the pieces the way it was. Someday your boys will understand. You made a very wise decision, you know much better the situation. For me the only regret I have now is , i should have have done it years ago. You are still young, smart and pretty, someone will come along the way and will love you unconditionally. Wish you all the best and luck in everything you do.

amna said...

so it's raining hard again back there..as usual. it's still cold here though summer is only days away. it's almost 4. a.m here and i have only few hours left to sleep. take care always and think positive..much love!

living_with_ba said...

Odette,
Speaking as a adult who went through my parents seperating, not once, but twice, I feel the pain you have no wishing you could make them happy. My parents did the wrong thing when they tried after separeating when I was 11 and my brother 13, and they fought and were not happy and then separated for good when I was 13 and my brother 15 and taking exams - it screwed my brother up and he failed every one of his exams, though that wasn't all down to the divorce, some was his own lack of work. I was asked at thirteen with my mum and dad standing over me who I wanted to live with. I loved my Dad, I still do, I was a daddy's girl, but I chose my mum because my brother chose my dad and for reasons I will not disclose here, I couldn't go on living with my brother the way he was and with what he had already done to me.
That was the beginning of some very hard years for me. My dad was angry that although Mum was the reason for the break up that I allowed her to "keep a child", he disowned me several times, by letter because he knew that by hurting me, he would hurt my mum and he desperatly wanted to hurt her the way he had hurt him.

As a result, I tried to kill myself, and I know if they had just stayed apart that first time, things wouldn't be what they are now, which is Dad (who said sorry many years after he had done what he did) is bitter and will bash mum whenever I am around and has an oppurtunity. He is also remarried and has been for eleven years now.

Mum on the other hand, is single and trying to rebuild a relationship with both her children. She was hurt that my brother chose my dad and not her, because (and this is not my paranoia but the truth) she loves him more than me, it used to bother me, it no longer does.

What I'm trying to say, and have rambled on for a while (sorry) is that you've made the right choice. Kids would rather have two loving parents who are seperated than two parents in an unhappy marriage because of the kids, life doesn't work that way and although they may want it now, I guarentee when they're older, they'll see where you were coming from, at least I hope they do.

Hope this helps some and isn't just random ramblings.
Love and Hugs
Joey

Tracey said...

Ok, you know exactly how I feel on this subject because I emailed you hours ago. Stand up for yourself & kick him out.....
Love
xxx

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I have been through it all Odette... the living in the same house but not speaking... the anger.. the eventual separation, the slow recovery, the new relationship... the kids struggle, the need to remain neutral, the despair, the gradual indifference and rebuilding. The journey is different for everyone - but to me where you are now is a slow and lonely death and if you can take the plunge for yourself, your sons will one day need to decide for themselves how they feel about you.
It will hurt,
it will keep you sane
it wil be better in the long run for you, but might hurt too.
they will not get the home you wan t while you live with someone and you are msierable - and it took me far too long to do it - fear/money/social stigma...
I don't know what it is like in your country - but if it is possible - then do it
:)

Odette said...

Amna,
Hey girl, thanks for keeping tab of my journey and being inspired by it - although it's not one i would recommend people to emulate. sometimes however certain situation arises that is parallel to our life and we get strength from it.
hey it's about time you start writing in your blog...you already have followers there! hahaha.

I wish you another wonderful year of happiness and joy - Happy Birthday!!!

Odette said...

Joey, Tracey, Fi
Thank you all for the support. You know that what I am going through is quite disorienting. It is a painful and life-altering experience. Just the thought that you don't judge me for my action is a true gift.
i am so happy to have found all of you wonderful people here in the net, coz as my life shift and changes your friendship and concern are reassuringly important.
again, thank you!!
love you much!
xoxoxo

Mimi said...

It's really a very hard decision for any parent to make. One good thing did come from your marriage-your children! That is what made your decision so hard. It will most likely be hardest on your youngest son. You do need to make yourself happy, and you do deserve it.

Tracey said...

He doesn't write very good English does he!!!!!!LOL

NEO-CONDUIT said...

Odette Ditto with the Trace, my email to you says what I cant say on here.
Life is too short and whatever decision you make it will be hard but you will find peace within yourself. :) Oh delete anon comment as it is total crap "get a life you moron".
Only women truly understand how other women feel. There is a huge difference between love, and someone who wants to own and possess you just because they can.
My love to you, stay strong
KIrst
xoxoxo

Sid Brechin said...

I know if it were left up to their father at least one of your sons would not be able to stay in school. On top of making your life miserable he has in many ways abdicated his duties towards the boys. From what little I know he has chosen the bottle over his boys

Odette said...

Sid,
i know it also frustrate him no end, so he turns to the bottle, but he had changed and he is making up for lost time with his sons.
i am not living in the shadow of my past anymore. i don't blame him, coz i too made mistakes, we both did, that's why we are at this situation right now.
but i have to let go of a relationship if things don’t work out any better anymore. but i guess there’s really no easy way esp. if the kids will be affected.

joem said...

it's brave of you to open up such a sensitive topic, and i appreciate it cuz'. i know that it took you enough courage to tell the world how you feel. without a doubt, you'll get through this!

in this world, we can only do so much. we can always give our 100% to save every relationship, to outdo every problems, to try to live happily and perfectly, but we can only do so much. the universe has meant different things for us, things we fail to see because we are trying too hard make things happen our way. now, it's time to let loose, and allow things to happen the way they should. you've gave your 100% and more, sacrificed a lot to save whatever left to be saved, and i think it's enough. you owe it to yourself to be happy, to be loved, to at peace and to be respected. i know your kids will get to see the light behind all of these. it will be a painful journey for them, but i'm confident that they will be able to realize that mama has a life of her own... that mama, aside from being a wife, a mother, a daughter, mama is also PERSON... and just like the rest, mama also deserves to be happy in her own terms.

stay happy. =)

bulik said...

Oddete,
Don't worry about your kids, I hope they understand the situation.

joy oh said...

you weren't wrong. you were brave and admirable to take the plunge. and you're winning. you've raised the boys well enough and they love you enough to understand you regardless.

Amy said...

Hi Odette.

A friend of mine was married to her husband for 18 years and they seperated last year. She put up with 7 years of him having affairs and walking out, arguing in front of the kids, which you could see was getting the kids down. In the end she kicked him out and the girl (whos 9) took it well and is a lot better for it but their son is 14 and not took it well at all, even after a year he is still upset over it. But she stuck it for 7 years for the sake of the kids and now he has gone she is alot happier and a different person.

Do whats right for you.

Lots of love, amy xxxx

Odette said...

Joem,
you put tears in my eyes while reading your comment...thanks, caz for the support!

Bulik,
I know this is tough on you, but let's not point finger anymore on who had err and how. lets just focus on how we can be a better parent to our kids.

joy, amy,
thank you for the kind words...i do need it.
love you,
xoxoxoxo

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