Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I know, people around me cringe during this time of the month. This is the period where I lost self control that lead to rages. I say things that I have to apologize later. I snap at people when I am in pain and being bothered.
But you see, I feel utterly miserable!
For three days now I feel bloated, I have constant cramps, I feel lazy and irritable and depressed. So today, I just sat on the computer and kill,kill, kill! Yes, I had a killing spree in NY and Moscow bringing my total body count to 2,768 and I looted properties in Las Vegas. Boy, I had such an adrenalin rush that I almost forgot I am PMSing.
Oh yes, I need distraction from the cramps as the periodic pains drives me nuts! But darn, this is something I deal with every single month. It totally takes over my body. A bit like an alien possession, once a month.
Of course, I blame Eve! If she hadn't eaten that damn apple, things may have been different! Even my cat hides from me at times like this. I must have tried nearly everything to stop it happening, but still ended up nearly killing everyone in sight (at least only in Mafia Wars).
Ok, I'm calm.... I am breathing deeply... counting one, two, three, four, five...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
My sweet first-born child Tido, you made me a mother when I honestly had no idea what I was doing. Oh yes, it was with you that I dipped my toes into motherhood always testing the water unsure if I was harming you or helping.
You know that I constantly worry about you and your younger siblings especially because I am not there to look after your welfare. But after talking to you last night on Skype, I know that inspite of my doubts, I can rely on you to face up to life challenges. I may not be with you physically now but always bear in mind that I always think what is best for you.
Hey, it is your birthday today. Wow, my eldest son had just turned 26! What you don’t understand about birthdays and what I haven’t told you is that when you are twenty six, you are also twenty five and twenty two and eighteen and ten and five and one. When you wake up today, don’t expect to feel twenty six because you won’t. You open your eyes and feel everything’s just like yesterday, only it is today.
And you don’t feel 26 at all. You feel you’re still twenty five. And you are underneath the year that makes you twenty five. Like today you might say something stupid and that’s the part of you still thirteen. Or maybe you still sleep with the blanket up to your head because you are scared, and that’s the part of you that’s five. Yes, you don’t feel twenty six. Not right away. It takes a few day, weeks even, sometimes even months. And you don’t feel smart 26 not until you’re almost twenty seven.
Son, no matter where your life takes you, always remember this: Life is not about you, or your clothes, your shoes, your hairstyle, not even your pimples. It’s not about the people you know, or the things you have. It’s not your diploma, or the places you have been to. Life is about love, of pain, compassion and happiness. It is about knowing how to deal with circumstances. It is about touching other people’s lives and making an impact. It is about making mistakes and learning from it.
So it is with this renewed happiness that I wish you a happy twenty sixth birthday. Know that I, your brothers and everyone in the clan love you even more than we ever could have thought possible.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Like any first timers who come to the US, I dreaded the coming of winter because of the cold weather it brings, yet I also get excited with the thought that I will finally see snow flakes falling from the sky. It will soon be fall, which means winter is just around the corner. Exciting!
As I said before in my previous post, I really am not a fan of summer because it brings a more hectic lifestyle - with vacations, swimming, hiking and everybody soaking in the sun rays in one form or another. However, winter I think is more peaceful as there will be fewer people congregating. I believe people during this time are more cozy in their homes, wrapped in their blankets, in front of their fireplaces, drinking hot chocolate. Oh why not? It would be a nice respite from the roasting sun and high humidity of the long summer solstice.
And now as I look around the never ending fields of corns and beans, I could almost picture out the stunning beauty of the snow as it seemingly goes on forever across my frozen field of view.
Of course, I ready myself for its coming. I already bought winter clothes although its a bit disappointing when you get to a store and they don't display their winter jackets yet. But well, I did get a few and I am excited with the thoughts of strolling through the stores and streets clad in multicolored layers of winter clothing, adorned with scarves and topped off with usually ebony-colored gloves, hahaha.
Above are what I have. Jackets, coat, bonnets, a scarf, a winter boots, and mittens. I have flannel sleep wear and blankets. Did I miss something else?
Hmmp, don't say a warm body to curl up with, because it is not on sale in department stores. Duh!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The day started nice and cool. But later in the afternoon it was raining heavily with strong gusty winds with warning of tornados. And like the sudden change of the weather, as I journey through life, I experience happiness in varying degrees, depending mostly on how I perceive things and my emotional state. Of course, I also accept that happiness is fleeting, and that I may not stay happy all the time. Therefore I appreciate the good times all the more, and I don't take them for granted.
Yesterday was a very special day. I am glad that there are people who wants to cheer me up. They take time to keep my mind active and persuaded me to do something I never would have thought possible. It is especially heart warming when someone tried to make an effort to make me feel special and important and shower me with gifts.
Friends and family are also my source of joy therefore I don't neglect them. We talk as often as we can - thanks to skype and oovoo because even when they are in other parts of the globe I still get to talk to them everyday. It's good that my cousin Babette discover oovoo. It is amazing as the medium allows us to have conferences at the same time see everyone on cam, unlike skype that only let you use the cam on a one-on-one chat. We giggle and laugh and share stories as if there's no distance between us.
Add to that is the knowledge that America voted Michael Grimm in AGT last night. I was gripping my seat as the result is being announced and I let out a shout of joy upon hearing his name.
I guess its true what they say that essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I was just done watching America's Got Talent. It's now the finals where only four contestants are vying for the title and the 1M grand price.
Honestly, I never watched this show when I was still in Manila because the first time I watched it I wasn't impressed. The title of the show itself seem to be stretching the imagination somewhat as I watched contestants with spirit but with little aptitude to entertain. It's like seeing an act on a street which won't even merit a second look.
I don't understand why millions of viewers tune in to watch people who are hopelessly lacking in talent, make a complete fool of themselves in their quest for fame and fortune.
But my mom had asked me to sit with her to watch the show and I can honestly say I got hooked on it. I am entertained by complete unknowns! The program showcase a mixture of acts that range from excellent to awful. And I see massive talent with every kind of act you can think of, represented.
As usual, I cheered for the underdog and in this case, Michael Grimm. I hope he gets his wish tomorrow ... and mine too!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The day started with me slowly waking up to the sound of mom's footsteps downstairs. Instead of getting up, I pulled the blanket over my arm and curled my body in a fetal position. I shivered a little. I am cold. I am awake. I am lonely. I am scared.
Lying in bed, I contemplated on the events of the past days, months... I acknowledged that I am getting older, heavier and less attractive. The odds of growing old alone gets higher by pounds, wrinkles and years.
There was a time when I had someone to have breakfast with. He stayed in my life for a short time. He was a good man and it felt right. I let him in and for a while it seemed, my luck had changed.
Then, he changed his mind and went away. I was left asking myself where I failed.
I was happy to have someone to curl up with at night, someone to cook, to talk, to laugh with... It still hurts to remember those times when he would come up behind me and hug me tight while I am at the sink washing the dishes.
I started to cry. I couldn't stop no matter how hard I try. I pressed my face on my pillow wanting to go back to sleep. This new day had nothing new to offer me.
Dreaming sounded so much better...