Friday, April 24, 2009
My previous post made me ponder about my own life...
Nice and easy – that is life for me. I am from a middle-class family that is lucky to be able to keep our heads above the economic crisis. I get a lot of support from relatives. And thankfully, there is always someone to turn to in times of need. I don’t have near-death experiences to talk about. I can’t discuss eating disorders, or lack of self-esteem that could possibly lead to depression.
Love? Well, I’ve been through its various stages from getting-to-know, courting, dating, being together, breaking up, being bitter, moving on, finding someone better – and going through the whole process again because once will never be enough. LOVE is happiness no matter how much it might hurt or how stupid it makes me. Only love can make me sing my heart out in the shower and stand shivering for hours in the rain. Only love can keep me wishing on falling stars even though I am old and gray.
I have never really found a reason to complain about my life. Even with a broken heart, I never fell apart. I have always been optimistic who believes everything will turn out right and – voila – they actually do!
I am not a sociable person and a perfect day for me is just staying home and watching a marathon movie. But another perfect part of my life are my friends on-line (you know who you are!). These connections make me feel like I belong, that I fit right in and that there’s a spot saved especially for me.
But like most everything else, nothing is perfect. I know I will continue to spend the other half of my life looking for that certain high that will make me feel how it is to live. I need a dose of harsh reality that will make me bleed until I realize I am still human. I need to get hurt and feel pain so that I can pour out the tears. And I want to be able to look back and laugh about it someday because I know I haven’t wasted my life dreaming.
Have I reached my turning point? Do we have turning points where we have to make crucial decision about family or personal goals? Or is it the little decisions I make every day that make me feel good or bad? I know I don't want to confine myself to a small box I consider my heaven without realizing how exciting the paradise outside can be. Like everyone else, I get tired, I get my fill of it and I tug at the seams to find something to fix, something to alter, something to learn.
Maybe tomorrow one of my wishes will come true. I could come up with a hundred more "MAYBES" and still I wouldn’t know for sure. Because if I already know what will happen tomorrow, my life would probably be so perfect I myself would look for ways to wreck it.