Thursday, June 4, 2015

Perhaps Love is...

Today I visited a blog of a reader who was going through the same stuff as I am - only her husband is still alive but left her for another woman. She had moved on and is happy with her new found love.

After reading it, I was also encouraged to talk about my own romantic predicament in the hope that maybe it will inspire other widow like me.

YES, I have found another love, while still loving my late husband. So how can these two lovers reside together in my heart? Is loving again worth the effort of having to adjust to another person? And is widowhood the proper time to fall in love again?

My ongoing relationship and bond to Ken and his family is a central aspect in my life. I don't want to lose them. Now, I have to cope not merely with the new situation of loving two men at the same time, but also with the shift in the way I have loved Ken. I am torn between a physical companion who provides active support and love to one who is no longer alive and cannot be active in my life.

I will always love and miss my Ken. It's really hard to understand sometimes how I can go from tears for him into smiling and thinking of my new guy. There's an odd divide. I love both of them, one here and one gone. It seems that we are blessed with a heart that is very flexible and can accommodate various people at the same time.

However, this new love is different.

I knew things would be different because he is not Ken. But I didn't know that love would feel different.

And so as we became more serious and had deeper feelings for one another, I started to worry. A lot.

I questioned myself and my feelings because this did not feel the same. I wasn't experiencing the feelings that I had 3 years ago. I wasn't feeling that I was falling more in love with him each day. I wasn't feeling that my heart would burst from how much love I had for him. I didn't wake up each morning almost counting the hours until we talk online. So I wondered if I truly loved him.

I stressed a lot over this, not wanting to give up on the relationship, but wondering if I was being fair to him if this truly wasn't love. It's hard to express how much pain I was in. He loved me a lot, but although I was not sure that it was love for me, I am not willing to stop seeing him. I thought I was being selfish. Or worse... maybe I was settling.

And then I began to realize that the way I was loving this second time was "normal". And that I had to let go of my expectations. How could this love feel the same as my love for my dead husband? I was a stranger in town when I met Ken and he made me feel comfortable. We did not worry about money. He was retired. We had time. We had freedom. We had only each other. And we had a long future ahead of us, or so I thought. Four years later, I have a dead husband. I have to make practical decisions on my own. I have a scarred heart. I felt alone.

Love after love will not feel the same. But that doesn't mean that it's not love.


Sid Brechin said...

A simple answer. You have more then one child. You love them all. However you love them in different ways as they are different people. Expand on that and it applies here. I hate the fact that my illness pretty much forces me to live a life of solitude. However I am lucky in that I am what I understand to be a rare thing I can enjoy solitude. I can read study watch programs. Even learn new languages and improve my math skills. It is still love however no two loves are ever identical.

Odette said...

So spot on Sid!
I was so happy that you were so comfortable with me that our first meeting was very natural and easy and fun. My aunts and cousin were so pleased to have met you as well. You came out from the safety of your sanctuary to spend time with me and it was awesome. You should get out of your apartment more often coz the view outside your house is just wonderful.


Sanju said...

Sorry to hear about the sudden demise of your husband. May his soul rest in peace.

Odette said...

Hi Sanju! I am happy to hear from you. It has been years since our talk. I hope things are going well with you and the family. Yes, my husband Ken died last year. Thank you for the sympathy.



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