Saturday, May 23, 2015

The Big Fuss.


Lately, I was bombarded with questions if I am indeed leaving Wells and moving to another states. But I think, people are more curious if I am simply moving to a different location or moving in with another man. That's the disadvantage of living in a small town, you become a fodder of idle talk as everyone seems to want to know everyone else's business.

But you see, my life has always been an open book - that's why I blog about it.

So today, I decided to answer everyone's question although this is a process and the outcome is not certain yet.

So here goes nothing...

I guess, as a widow, I was anything but.

On hindsight, I admit that by continue on wearing my wedding ring and discussing Ken to suitors (yes, there were some), may have signaled that I wasn't ready to move on. It is because I felt torn between feeling very attached to his memory and taking tentative steps toward a future without Ken.

Not long ago, I met a man with whom I instantly hit it off. We talked for hours online telling stories about our childhood and swapping anecdotes about our lives. He knew I've lost my husband. I felt comfortable discussing it with him. I felt none of the pressure that goes along with courtship. And his kind, nonjudgmental demeanor made it easy for me to open up. Instead of pity, he responded with empathy. He wanted to learn more. He understood how essential it was that I talk about it. He acknowledged that widowhood was central to my story, and he take interest in it.

He invited me to visit Florida. We went to Disney with my friend in tow and we had a good time. Our first personal meeting ended platonically, but it reminded me that I still had the capacity to connect with a man. In a small but significant way, something shifted for me when I returned home. It felt good and restorative just to feel giddy over someone again. It was a small step towards truly moving forward.

Of course, I'll carry the experience of widowhood forever. But the burden does get lighter. And where once the possibility of ever having a relationship again was unthinkable, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel tragic, or anomalous.

I feel ready. Almost.

6 comments:

ML said...

Reading this made me very happy.
Get out there and live!

Odette said...

Yes Mimi, it has become increasingly exasperating to have to explain my action to anybody esp. when none of which will even affect their lives.
Thanks for the push!

xoxoxo

Sid Brechin said...

Do that which you think will make you happy. You have worked hard your whole life. I first communicated you when things were not easy and I am glad that you got past that. You are a good woman. You always have been. You are also a very intelligent woman, I'll only give one small piece of advice. Don't rush wait until everything feels right on every level you can think of. Ken would not want you wasting away just sitting without him. I think you made a huge difference for the better in Ken' last days. That is something no one can ever take away from you. I consider you a good friend who has always been honest. One of the hardest things is being honest with ourselves. Regardless of what you decide I for one will always respect your choices.

Odette said...

The feeling is mutual Sid, as I continuously admire your wisdom. You have become a significant part of my life and I welcome every advice you can give. Yes you are right - the very essence of our existence is to be happy. But I can only be happy if my choices will also please the people i care about. So, yeah, i'll wait till everything falls into place.
Hey, it is always wonderful to get a comment from you. Please update me on what's going on in your life there. I hope i can visit you again.

xoxoxo

Isabella Gedney said...

I "lost" my husband through an unforeseen divorce, and also have gone through some of what you have. Make life easy, live it YOUR way. I am dating a man for 2 years and I am in love again. If anyone questions it, I simply smile and say I am making pink lemonade with the rotten lemons my ex threw me. I'm happy for you.

Odette said...

Isabella,

Have visited your blog and enjoyed reading it immensely. Thanks for the encouragement. High five for you and me!

xoxoxo

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