I feel compelled to write a new blog after I got so many people worried with my dark post on Facebook.
No! I don't want to die. Although I admit that one of the hardest struggles I have found about widowhood is that the life I had, pretty much died with my husband. Well, at least mine did. The hopes, dreams and plans that we had were buried with Ken. Every morsel of my being was changed because he is no longer here for me to love or be loved by him.
His vacancy left the obvious holes; no more him, no more seeing, smelling, holding, or sharing with him. As time passed, more holes appeared: no one to enjoy my cooking, no one to drive me around the countryside and no one to talk to in the intimate way I could talk to him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so completely alone.
So, he dies. I’m still here. I am left to walk the earth without him and to carry on the plan. Carry on what plan?
It had taken me several months to come to grips with the fact that I need to create new plans. I need to dream and hope without him.
We all know that life is not fair. That life is a gift and a struggle. Life is not to be taken for granted or spent without meaning. And this give me strength to dream new dreams and hope new hopes and reshape my life into something I can live with and hopefully thrive in day after day.
The problem is that the struggle is hard. Some days, some weeks, some months are just too much for me to handle. Many times it left me wondering why? Why try again? Why move on? Why reinvent, re-imagine when so many of these days, I only end up exhausted and overwhelmed?
The only answer I can ever come up with is ... drum roll please ...there is no other way for me! I yearn for joy. I yearn to be someone my boys will look up to each day. I yearn to love and be loved.
Every day that I remember this, I build strength for another day. Every moment that I remember how much faith Ken had in me to carry on without him, I feel honored. Every time I feel the warmth of his love flow through me, I become revived a bit more.
I am revived and even given courage to take on my new dreams, my new hopes, no matter how much struggling lies before me.
So today, I will dream a bit and hope a bit. Every day I will try a bit more. And with each passing day, I will realize the new dreams, the new hopes, the new life that carries his love within me.
This new life may exist without him holding my hand, but it will never exist without him holding my heart. It will be a fusion of old and new. It will be a mix of what we wanted and what I am capable of doing without him.
I hope. I dream. And everyday I live, will bring me closer to me - reinvented.
