The Memorial.

We did it!

We gave Ken a memorial service that truly honored him and gave him the send-off he deserved.

While the memorial service is a farewell, it was also a celebration of life and happiness that Ken has brought into our life. It was a bittersweet remembrance of wonderful times shared with family and friends. Memories that will forever live on in our hearts and minds.

The first part has Pastor Chuck reading the passage from the Bible about a time to live and a time to die. I heard these words hundreds of times, but this time they seemed to speak directly to me. It somehow explained to me that I will still hurt and at times be overwhelmed with the pain, but in time, I should be able to relate to my loss in a new way and seek ways to move on with my life.

The second part was the sharing of stories. Siblings and friends reflected on the funny side of Ken, his interest, his career, his passion, his mischiefs, his tenderness among others. These elicited some laughter from attendees. From the stories shared, I gathered that Ken has not lived a perfect life by any means as he had certainly made his share of mistakes. But it also allowed us to admire the strength of character that he had displayed throughout his life. It is nice to hear stories about Ken that I haven’t heard before. On special days, or any day, remembering these stories will make me smile as I reflect on the difference Ken had made on someone else’s life.

Then, there was the slide show. Photos that was able to capture 65 years of his journey. A fitting tribute that allowed those who might not have known him very well to have a glimpse of the life he had. This was the toughest part because these photos speak volumes. They remind the viewer of the happy times spent with Ken and most of us did not succeed in holding our tears as we watched it.

Finally, the three volley gun salute done by the Wells Color Guard. I never thought a salute can wrench emotion from one’s soul. I simply cannot hold back tears when shots echoed through the streets of our town and TAPS was played. It was a signal that lights has to be extinguished, that the ceremony has reached its completion.

I thank everyone who came to celebrate Ken's life with us. I am touched by the gesture of profound love and admiration you all have shown to my husband.

But most of all, I'm proud of my new family. They helped me get through this tough times and they promised to continue to be there for me for tougher times ahead. Thank you guys. I am truly blessed to have found Ken because I also discovered you!

Black or White.

I am in panic mode.

Seriously.

Thinking about clothes is the last thing I want to do especially at this time when the memorial service is nearing. I have a lot of clothes, the fruit of 4 years of thrift-shopping and bargain-hunting. And yet, when I checked my closet, I found that literally nothing I owned was appropriate for the event.

In the Philippines, when a family member dies, we all wear white. I was thinking of doing the same, till I realized it would seem odd. Black is still the norm here and at present I don't have a black outfit. I was thinking of buying a black dress, however it is too cold to wear one. A black pants and top would be more appropriate but finding one to suit the occasion is not easy. I scoured so many isles of different department stores looking for one yet none has caught my fancy.

I am looking for something conservative, subdued and comfortable. Although the service will not be held in a religious place of worship, I would still want to look respectful. I need something that will make me feel dignified and strong. I know I will be spending a lot of time on my feet, and that my mind will be on many other things, that's why I need something I would feel entirely comfortable and happy wearing.

You might argue that the point of the memorial is to show my love, share my burden of grief, and to celebrate Ken's life. It’s not a fashion show, nor a place for others to judge my attire (and those who do, probably have no need to be there). But it's an event I may have to revisit over and over through pictures and videos and I want to see myself looking tasteful and polished.

Help!

Hanging in There.

I continue to grieve the physical finality of losing Ken and I am trying very hard to come to grip with the fact that I will not see him again in this life.

It is not easy.

Everyday I wrestle with the feelings of loneliness and anger of being alone. Sleepless nights and the pressure of sudden responsibilities had taken a huge toll on my physical and mental energy. Even routine things seem to take more effort. It felt like all the strength had gone out from my body. I didn't see a reason to get out of bed. I had to use all the tricks I had learned just to get the day started.

Many people tried to comfort me but unless they have experienced loss, they can't fathom the sick, gut wrenching feeling that come with losing someone. My husband was everything to me. He took good care of me in every way and made all the major decisions. Now I feel so scared and alone to be doing all I need to do, things I've never done before and not having my greatest supporter by my side is truly worrisome.

When Ken was still around, part of his strategy for enjoying things is to share it with me. He would take me to the lake to watch the birds that have migrated there, or look for deer and other wildlife. We even traveled north to witness the changing of the leaves. I took that photo above in one of our trips. Everything always seems better when we share it together. But now that he is gone my ability to enjoy these things had declined, especially since he made me feel important and loved in a daily basis.

When people asked me, "How are you doing?", I would normally respond " Hanging in there."

But I don't even understand where is "there". Is it a definite destination? Will I even know once I get there that I am finally "there"? Will I feel a lot better knowing I have arrived?

Or maybe, it is just a process. I hang on till I turned a corner - a corner of acceptance. Not necessarily the acceptance of losing Ken, but accepting the emotions that come with it.

Oh I wish I am "there" already.

The Obituary.

Kenneth Roger Mikolai, age 65, of Wells, Minnesota, suffered a stroke on February 20 and passed away on February 22, 2014, with his wife at his bedside at the VA Medical Center in Minneapolis where he had been a patient since June 16, 2013.

Kenny was born in Mankato, Minnesota, on October 29, 1948, to Roger and Joan (Willaert) Mikolai. He grew up on a farm east of Wells, in Faribault County. He attended St. Casimir's Elementary School and graduated from Wells High School in 1966. He served his country in the US Army, enlisting in January 1969. After completing basic training in Missouri he spent a year in Vietnam as a Traffic Controller. While on active duty he was awarded the National Defense Service Medal, Good Conduct Medal, and Army Commendation Medal. He was honorably discharged in October 1970.

Prior to enlisting in the US Army Ken worked at FM Stamper in Wells. After his military service he worked for Nordaas American Homes of Minnesota Lake, building base structures for homes in Wells and nearby towns. After leaving NAH he was part of Mikolai and Harris Construction and later Ken Mikolai Masonry Construction until his retirement.

Ken married Cathryn Elaine Herbst in 1984. They were divorced in 2002. On February 8, 2011 Kenny married Judy (Odette) Bautista in a civil ceremony in Blue Earth, Minnesota. Ken and Odette enjoyed touring around the countryside in his truck or on his Harley. In his earlier years he enjoyed playing card games with his friends at the VFW, cooking at the VFW for special events, boating, fishing, and meat processing at the family farm. After he retired he still liked playing cards or simply tinkering around in his shop. He also enjoyed watching old movies at home or listening to his vast collection of old songs. He was an avid Minnesota Vikings fan always watching every single game of the season. Before his stroke he was searching online for the team's probable 2014 draft picks.
Ken was an active member of the American Legion and the VFW. He served as Quartermaster Commander of VFW Post 1778 from 1974 to 1975.

Ken is survived by his wife Odette and stepsons Alquin, Benjie-Al, and Cedric Dy. He is also survived by his sister Dorothy (Mick) and Patrick O'Connor of Lino Lakes, his brothers Tom of New Hope, Mike (Gloria) of Pemberton, Randy of Minneapolis, Greg (Kellie) of Palisade, Colorado, and his sister Lisa and her husband Bob Long of Miami, Florida. Ken is also survived by nieces Tricia and Mindi, nephews Jeremy, Barry, Tim, Bridger and Logan. Ken was preceded in death by his parents Roger and Joan, grandparents Albert and Anna Mikolai and grandparents Henry and Therese Willaert.

A Memorial Service will be held from 2:00 to 3:00 pm on Saturday, April 5, 2014 at the Wells Community Center located at 189 2nd Street SE. A celebration of Ken’s life will continue until 5:00 pm.

A private internment with Military Honors will be at Fort Snelling National Cemetery at a later date.

A Great Medical Team.

I was so thrilled and touched to get a card in the mail from the SCI/D unit of the VA Medical Center today. But reading the messages in it made me cry because once again it brought back memories of the last eight months I had spent in the hospital with Ken.

It felt so nice however to know I am being thought of. I did not expect that the doctors, nurses, therapists and staff would continue to think about me after I left the hospital for good. Every single one of them had given Ken and I such wonderful care and support. I know that my life will forever be touched by everyone who cared for Ken, rooted and cheered him on.

FYI, Kenneth room has a virtual revolving door. If a nurse or aide leaves, another one enters to stay with him. He was on one-on-one watch 24/7. They were very patient with him even when he was difficult to deal with at times. Ken was a fighter. He fought hard to stay with me when so many odds were against him. And with the help of the SCI staff, he fought even harder.

I thank them for being there with me when I was scared and does not understand what was going to happen next. They showed me so much compassion.

Thank you so much guys!

Have I Told You...

Have I told you Kenneth had died?

No, I guess not.

Maybe because all I have done since he passed away is sleep and cry. I just don't know if life will ever have meaning for me again. I ached for Ken every day, and I still search for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him sometimes, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back. How do I move past this grief? How do I move on? I know I should have seen this coming, as his recovery was like an obstacle course in the past eight months, but I was woefully unprepared for this kind of loss. I think I didn't want to believe it could happen.

When I got home from the hospital after Ken died, I was overwhelmed with emotions. Grief - how could he be gone? And anger - how could he leave me? I was just about ready to renovate his bedroom! I was already planning for activities we can do together when he is finally released from the hospital. I am excited to hear his voice echo in our house again.

Right now our house felt empty. There are no other voices/sobs I hear but mine. I shed tears as I walk around the house knowing that I am now alone. We have spent only three years together, yet we created so many memories. Losing Ken had changed my entire life. I feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. Not that I haven't made decisions before. But... Ken was always there. And now he was not.

It has been a month to this day since Ken left me. The first week was mercifully numbing. Much of the time I sleep walked through the things I had to do. So numb that I was often completely unaware of what was going on around me. The next week I went from depression to panic attacks, back to depression to not sleeping, to sleeping too much, to never leaving the house, to not wanting to go back to the house. The weeks that followed were both utterly full and completely empty ... full of activity yet empty of life. I felt cut off from everything that I thought was my life. But there are preparations I need to do, people I need to talk to which somehow brought me out of my darkness, only to find myself standing alone and confused on some strange and unfamiliar shore, full of feelings and memories, but also feeling utterly lost. The town I have come to love suddenly look like a different place, often odd and distanced. I am are not sure how to cope with life in general, and sometimes I even wondered if I even want to try.

I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him. I am missing Ken so much.

Yes, I will always miss him and I know that the sadness will remain forever. But he brought me so much joy also. I am grateful for the three years I had spent with him, that I was blessed with his goodness and love. I will always have that love.

I am grateful that he is resting now and has no more worries.

Goodnight Ken. Sleep tight.

"Time heals all wounds".

Sorry Mimi that I have not responded to your query right away. Maybe because I don't know how to respond to it. Ken's prolonged stay in the ICU told me he is not well, yet the doctor kept telling me he is getting better.

Every time I went to see him, I would see a figure which resembled a broken mannequin hooked up to machines - ventilators, IV, pick line, monitors that tracked everything from heart rate to oxygen flow. The ventilator breathe for him. Every breath, a rythmic thwop-whoosh-clunk in the quiet ICU room. All around him machines hissed and beeped. It's a sight so difficult to take in.

His recovery was extremely slow perhaps because it took them over a month to figure out that his pacemaker was infected. They thought that after they took out the bacterial growth in his spine, it will clear out. Staph bacteria is a nasty bug and Ken is in a lot of pain. Meanwhile as we wait for the staph to clear, Ken contacted another bacteria in his lungs, and since he had been lying in bed for so long he got pressure sores as well even when they have been moving him in bed every two hours. He did managed to get better after his pacemaker was replaced for the second time. He become responsive. I would talk into a microphone attached to his headphone because he had difficulty hearing and he would write his response on a white board.

His attitude seemed to change after that, and it is interesting to see how he started looking at hospitals much differently to the negative way he had looked at it before. Ken dreaded treatment more than illness itself but now he depend so much on the nurses and doctors and other hospital staffers. He now appreciate their presence and he realized that help is there if he suffers an illness and they will help him get through it.

I have been going to the big city with Ken whenever he has a doctor's appointment there, but we don't linger to go to other places in the metro, so I would say I am not too familiar with the area. At first I dreaded the thought of driving there every so often because of the traffic and the unfamiliar roads. But after over two months of confinement in the hospital, I soon learned to travel from our home to the hospital and back.

Mimi, I still worry a lot to this day. I don't know if Ken will be able to regain mobility of his legs. He had started rehab now, but starting slow because he is still very weak. It just hit me that when a spinal cord injury occurs, the life that was familiar, comfortable, satisfying and rewarding is pulled away, literally in the blink of an eye, and the life I know is gone forever. The good thing is, another way of life will start, not a life of our choosing, but one me and Ken must figure out how to live.

I am certain though that I won't let my husband spend the day wondering how in the world he is going to bear living life from a wheelchair. And those things that he were once passionate about will definitely not become painful memories of his past because I will make sure he will be able to do them again.

So, does time heal all wounds? I'm hoping that it does. Time though had given me a different perspective on how I view things. I believe, it make me more sensitive to the needs of my husband.

I am going back to the hospital tomorrow to see how he is doing.